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Xxx Game ★ 3.9 Universal Soldier The clone machine boots up with a wet, organic hum that sounds more like a stomach digesting than military hardware. Dr. Krieg, the mad scientist, is your typical control freak with a god complex, but here’s the twist, the machine’s software glitch doesn’t make monsters or failures. It just makes the soldiers horny. Not broken, not dangerous, just unreasonably, distractingly horny. The first thing you see is a muscled Universal Soldier stepping off the platform, his massive cock already hard, dripping pre-cum before he even gets his marching orders. The big tits on the female templates are equally ridiculous, physics that ignore basic anatomy in favor of a good, heavy bounce. The whole create-a-soldier loop is weirdly hypnotic. You’re not building an army for world domination, you’re just cycling through body types to see what kind of messy, unscripted blowjob scene the glitch will spit out next. I spent a stupid amount of time just tweaking one slider that seemed to control vein prominence, for no tactical reason. The cumshot animations are the real victory condition here, thick ropes that land with a splat sound effect that’s a little too crisp, like someone dropping a wet towel on tile. It’s the only sound effect that feels professionally mixed, which is a choice. The pacing is like a microwave dinner, hot and ready in seconds, but the middle is always a bit cold. You get the clone, the immediate sexual act, and then a reset. There’s no grand strategy, no army management, which I guess is the joke. The mad scientist just keeps hitting the button, increasingly baffled, while his perfect soldiers keep dropping to their knees. I wish there was a way to save a particularly ridiculous clone configuration, a hall of fame for your horniest mistakes, but the game forgets everything the moment you hit create again. It’s a one-note gag that the game plays over and over, and the note is a low, wet, guttural moan. You keep waiting for the software to get fixed, for the actual game to start, but that’s the whole bit. The army of world domination is just a circle jerk, and you’re the one stuck watching the conveyor belt.