Castle Murmurs

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★ 4.7 (12 votes) 5.6K plays Flash Arcade

About this game

Gregory’s got a problem, the kind that makes your balls ache. His fiancee Geraldine, she’s the village bicycle and everyone wants a ride. Medieval England, 1360, a castle that smells like damp straw and unwashed desperation. You’re just the ostler, the horse guy, but your dick’s about to get you into royal-level trouble. The first time Geraldine bends over a hay bale, the whole screen goes a bit fuzzy, like the game forgot to load textures. Deliberately unpolished, they said. I think someone just couldn’t be bothered. The 3d models look like melted candles. Her tits are pointy, not in a good way.

So you click around, trying to stop other men from ploughing your woman. A knight with a stupid helmet keeps appearing, his armor clanking. There’s a quest, I guess. Find a MONK. I found a monk, he was just standing in a corner, wanking. No quest update. The dialogue is pure filth, like a 14th century sext gone wrong. “Prithee, let me see thy cunny.” I wish there was a button to just let her get railed by the entire garrison, a full on public spectacle in the great hall, but the game forces you into this jealous boyfriend simulator. The sound design is one guy making squelching noises with his mouth. I respect the grift.

Fucking a royal ostler’s life, man. You shovel shit, then you have to fight a baron with a sword that’s just a grey rectangle. I lost the fight on purpose. Geraldine’s reaction was a single, low-res tear.

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