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Dong of Hearts (In-Development)

Dong of Hearts (In-Development)

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★ 3.0 (217 votes) 16.3K plays Instant Play

About this game

The map screen is a mess of bright, clashing colors like a kid vomited a candy store onto a pirate's treasure map. I click a princess icon and suddenly I'm in a land that's a blatant, horny rip off of something I can't quite place. The dialogue boxes have more typos than a text from my ex and the music loops are about fifteen seconds long. It's glorious. You play as some dude who gets the, uh, Dong of Hearts, which is exactly what it sounds like. A magical cock key. The whole plot is an excuse to travel cartoon worlds and "please" princesses to push back a black goo called the Black Mass.

The first princess I found was this aloof ice queen type. The writing is so earnest it circles back around to being charming. She says something like "You must prove your warmth to me, hero," and then there's a minigame. A literal rubbing minigame. You move your mouse back and forth on her clit until a meter fills up. The sound effect is a wet squelch that cuts off abruptly. It's not polished. The animation loops after two seconds. Her moan is the same.wav file every time. I failed it twice because the hitbox for the "sweet spot" is about three pixels wide and my hand cramped. I was genuinely frustrated, then I succeeded and she came with a weird, pixelated splash effect and I laughed so hard I snorted.

The whole thing feels like finding a sticky, hand drawn porno comic in a used bookstore. It's a parody, sure, but it's so unpolished you forget. The character art is wildly inconsistent. One princess has these huge, detailed eyes and the next one looks like she was sketched on a napkin. The dialogue during sex scenes is pure poetry. "Oh yes, your heart dong is so powerful!" It's delivered with complete seriousness. I can't even be mad. It's free, or it will be, and it's got this chaotic energy that a slick, expensive game could never replicate. I spent twenty minutes just clicking on a bush that had a jiggle physics glitch. Not even a sexy bush. Just a regular green one that wobbled like gelatin. This game is a beautiful disaster. I need to go find the next princess, I think she's a mermaid or a cat or something. The map icon was just a question mark.

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