Penta-Pong

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★ 5.0 (45 votes) 2.8K plays Instant Play

About this game

Penta-Pong. That name is stupid but it gets right to the point, which I respect. There's a five sided ping pong table and you're in the middle. The other ends, the four sides, those are occupied. By women. Schoolgirl uniform types, mostly, a redhead, a brunette, the usual spread. They're not here for a friendly match.

The ball physics feel like they were coded by someone who once saw a game of Pong described on a napkin. It jitters and skips. Sometimes it just clips through a paddle and you lose a life. I nearly closed the tab right there. But then I noticed the score. Not my score, their score. The arcade counter in the corner that tracks how many times you've returned the ball. Each rally builds a meter. And when you miss, that's when the girl who scored gets to... well, it's a striptease. The real model tag isn't lying, it's just old video clips of a woman removing a piece of clothing. The brunette lost her blazer first, and the footage was grainy and looped weird, like a GIF from 2003. It was so unpolished it looped into being hot again.

The arcanoid comparison is generous. There's no powerups, no blocks, just the ball and the weird pentagon shape. The challenge is purely in the jank. Predicting the ball's path is a nightmare. The redhead on the north side, her pixel paddle alignment is off by maybe five percent. You learn to compensate. You learn to hate her smug little looping video when she wins a point and her uniform skirt gets a little shorter. It's not a game you play. It's a weird digital punishment you endure to see a blonde's top finally come off. And then you do, and the victory is hollow, and you immediately restart. Why? The mechanics are broken but the specific tension of that five sided table is a hook I can't explain.

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