Porn Bastards: Bayonetta [v 1.3]

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★ 3.2 (457 votes) 26.8K plays Flash Arcade

About this game

Right, Porn Bastards doing Bayonetta. Because of course they are.

You know the drill with these. Click, click, click. The story they wrote is... there. Something about angels and demons and a hair suit, I think? I skimmed it while waiting for the good part, honestly. It's like reading a wiki summary written by someone who only watched the cutscenes on YouTube at 1.5x speed. But you don't come to this series for the lore, you come to fiddle with sliders. And oh, the sliders. You can make her chest so ridiculously huge it defies physics, which is exactly the point. Give her a tan, change the hair, make her look like a completely different witch. The customization is the real foreplay here, spending five minutes just... adjusting things. Don't judge me.

Then the actual fucking starts and it's just... aggressive. Rough sex tag is not kidding. It's like two action figures being smashed together by an enthusiastic kid. The sounds are wet and slappy and honestly a bit much after a while. The animation loops are stiff, like her spine is made of that hard candy from the grandma's purse. I wish there was, I don't know, a bit more *witch time* flair? A wicked weave attack that ends... differently. But no, it's just straight to the piston action. It gets the job done, I guess. I was scrolling on my phone during one part, that's never a good sign.

Still, seeing Bayonetta, the sexy MILF witch herself, get railed is a specific fantasy. And for that one specific thing, it works. The models are pretty, in that plastic porn bastards way. I just wish the animators put as much love into the movement as the modelers put into the jiggle physics. The jiggle is, admittedly, top tier.

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